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Biography (slightly comic)

My parents tell people that I'm dysfunctional by choice, my nieces fondly point and laugh at me, referring to me as "Crazy Uncle Tommy", and I've been called both a "duffus" and "a slice of processed cheese" on National Television.

Born on a bright sunny night in Hackensack, NJ in October, I grew up in a little town outside of New York City (if there can be a little town 20 minutes outside of Manhattan) and lived there in my own studio apartment till the end of my kindergarten year. In KG, that's what us cool kids call it, I majored in "PLAYING WELL WITH OTHERS" and working as part-time muscle for the mob.

I've been younger than most older people all my life.  I was put in school early due mostly to the fact that I was big for my age, and my head was close enough to the ceiling to cut off the point.  My mother, yes I have a mother, tells me that in KG I'd actually come home saddened by the fact that no one wanted to wrestle with me. Those were the nights I was especially rough on the dog. 

My parents had five children...  Yes they're Catholic.  There's my older sister, me, my younger sister (three years later), and then a Double-oops-Whammy, twin boys (ten years younger than myself).  For years my father worked as a salesman for a large candy company and mother was, what is now commonly referred to as a "Stay at home Mom."  The best advice ever given to me by my father... "He who speaks first loses. For silence is powerful."  Neither of us has spoken since.  His worst advice, "They look better with their clothes on." 

"Where did my odd sense of humor come from?" you ask.  Well, I don't rightly know. Much of the humor in this Bio came from my brother-in-law. My first word was licorice, I walked at 9 months, and a favorite pre-one year old past time was to climb out of my crib, take off all my clothes and hide from my Grandmother when she'd baby-sit me. Funny how little we change.  Another favorite thing of mine as a baby would be to go over the wall of my little wooden prison and wake my father up jumping up and down on his back while screaming.  Maybe that inspired the "silence" advice he'd later give to me.  Gosh, I remember those days just like it was last Christmas morning.

From "o' little town outside New York" my parents decided to move west and settled in a small mid western town, deep in the heart of Jersey.  It was a lot like Thorton Wilder's "Our Town," except there wasn't a visible cemetery and most of the people I knew there are still alive, in one way or another.  To this day there's still a ball field, a church, an old school, a playground, a river with an old half-burnt train trestle, some corpses buried in an old '72 Lincoln under some tennis courts, and always dozens of moron kids running around with chocolate milk breath, and kool-aid smiles.

I soon turned into an abnormally geeky kid who played Dungeon's and Dragons, and then eventually served two years at a community correction facility, where I held the prestigious title of "Ski Club President," commuting back and forth from my parents daily.  From there I transferred into a four-year state penitentiary, majoring in Biology, minoring in Chemistry, drinking... I mean working at the campus pub, moving furniture, captaining the new-and-improved lacrosse club team, and learning how not to choke on my own vomit while sleeping off a major buzz due to some homemade apple jack whiskey that happened to find its way to the back of my throat. 

I even placed 2nd runner up for homecoming my senior year. Some daddy's-paying-my-tution-and-I-have-all-this-money-to-pay-to-have-friends fraternity boy bet me a case he'd get more votes, and I took his challenge.  To this day he still owes me those 24 cold frothy beers.  Pay up ya Frat-bastard.  I would've come in first had not the two bastards that beat me been so freakin' quick and my old rusty Nissan so damn slow.

First I wanted to be a Lawyer because I thought that lawyers help the world, but then I found out what most lawyers do.  Then I wanted to be a doctor, because I thought doctors help save the world, but then I found what most doctors do.  They listen to old people complaining about their joints.  But then, I stumbled, fell, and woke up in a hospital knowing what I should do... Become a Barber and help shave the world. 

However, my grades weren't good enough to get into cosmology school, so I turned to acting, and later expanded into writing.  As an actor, I thought, at the very least maybe I can make the world think or feel, or even laugh.  But now years later I now know what actors do. 

"What do actors do?" you ask.  We audition for people who criticize our every being, to try and get work where we say something so moronic like, "Where to Mac?" and try to get paid for pretending to be people who are in jobs that they hate...  And as a writer we spend months-developing 120 page dust collectors to pile onto producers' desks to protect the delicate wood finishes from harmful UV light.

But I look at it this way (turn your head and cough) if one silly 30 second commercial, where I'm dressed in a bad wig and do the cabbage patch on National TV makes 50 million people laugh, then at the very least, I've brightened up 25 million seconds of the world.

In between College and moving to NYC to pursue acting full time, I did do a brief stint as a pharmaceutical salesman. ("If you can't say anything nice, don't say it at all" unless it's funny.)

Once in New York City, I kicked around for about six years, did some small roles on TV, film and stage, had some things I wrote done Off Off Broadway, and got published twice in a tiny literary magazine.  All this while making some great friends, some important connections, and learning which side to serve from. 

And now... I'm living in Los Angeles... And I am continuing to give life my best shot.

Thanks for your support of my career. 
Wish me luck.


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